Austin’s Time Honored Tradition of Littering During the Holidays. It’s that time of year again when Austinites litter the sides of highways with dumpy decorations to celebrate baby Jesus, or Kwanzaa, or Chanukah, or Festivus for the Restivus. I guess with the pandemic and all, families are looking to get out of the house. So, why not start the tradition early before Thanksgiving to give you and the kids something to do. Bored at home? Get out and litter the sides of roads and poison the small furry creatures that are just trying to live their best life. To each their own. Rowdy Rockers like to drop me a line when this madness commences…
I can remember a time when only a few trees were “decorated” on 360. It looked festive and people always cleaned up their mess in a timely fashion. Now, much like hipsters, the trend seems to have spread everywhere with no end in sight. See a tree with pines on it? Better “decorate” it!
Now you animals have taken the “decorating” craze to a new level. I’ve seen trees adorned with ADVERTISEMENTS! Nothing says ‘Tis The Season like destroying the environment while marketing your wares. Are you rushing out to slap virus baubles all over one of these defenseless trees thinking you’ll be the first with such a witty idea? You are sew clever…
Telling yourself you’ll take down this dribble in January, then never getting around to doing it, makes you a giant ahole. The “decorations” might look nice on all the helpless conifers, but one good rain, or GAWD help us all if a wet freeze rolls through town, and the whole lot looks like trees from a drug fueled Krampus all-nighter.
The worst is when people driving on the already congested and atrocious highways in Austin enjoy this weak attempt at art and SLOW DOWN TO ENJOY IT! Think Austin having less traffic is a blessing from COVID? Think NOT! At least not when driving by these trashy art installations. Nothing says “we’re an advanced civilization” like purposefully increasing congestion on major thoroughfares to appreciate litter.
We might as well start a new tradition of burning dung in trash cans in front of these trees so we can meet our fellow Austinities (6 feet apart) and shoot the breeze. We can all talk about how great Austin used to be while gorging on Gluten Free Fruitcake and drinking nonalcoholic Eggnog whilst wearing fingerless gloves and an imported Free-Trade Yak hair knitted beanie. Sooooo, Austin.
If you do assault these defenseless and unwitting trees, please get your lazy ass back out there in January and pick up after yourself. You can always send your wacky pictures of Holiday splendor and idiocracy to BDOE@klbjfm.com.
Have your culinary creations gone stale? Looking for something to cook up during the Holidays? Here’s 7 easy meals to make at home!