Welcome to Austin, now get the fuck out.
Kidding, of course (especially since after a year plus of lock down we need the money). Austin has long been a hot spot for tourists and California transplants. They come, they see, they get wasted downtown. Any professional aka resident of a decade a more can tell you apart from most others in the crowd.
Now that things are slowly opening up (haha, slowly, yeah right) here are some tips for surviving your visit.
1) No body likes a drunk
This isn’t New Orleans or Las Vegas baby. You can’t just walk around shit canned out of your brain all day long. This is still Texas where good Christians and archaic alcohol laws reign. We prey on drunken fools and eat them alive unlike other ‘party’ cities that just want you to keep spending cash.
2) Don’t do Dirty Sixth More than Once
Trust me, don’t. If you make it home without getting in a fight, arrested, losing your wallet, breaking your phone or worse; then you are lucky (this counts for every time you’ve ever visited the city btw).
3) Don’t buy Cocaine from Dudes standing outside of Shakespeare’s on 6th
It will probably be a bag of BC powder or kitchen cleaner.
4) Police Horses are not to be touched
These are not circus ponies and the men on top are not rodeo clowns. They will brutally arrest you.
5) Just skip out on Franklins, or any line
Anything with a line is not worth your time and you are being an asshole by making your friends stand in it. There are plenty of other places to get equally good food/brunch/drinks that don’t have a line.
6) Take a ride share NOT a Taxi
I found that most of the folks driving for ride-sharing services to be polite and helpful. Most of them love and work in Austin and know of a few good places to visit. The angry cab driver only seems to know the longest route from the airport to your hotel and refuses to drive short distances whilst smelling of sauerkraut.
7) Charge your Phone and keep a charger with you
This seems like common sense but I’ve had so many friends show up drunk at 5am after being lost most of the night. If you are in a new city you are most likely going to be looking places up, TikToking and texting all day. Just make sure you have enough juice to get back home!
8) Don’t scribble important info on a paper towel
Despite reading the advice given in numbers 2, 3, 6 and 7 you are going to end up drunk, broke, without a phone and lost in the back seat of a cab downtown. Unfortunately, the napkin you wrote the address on is smeared with Franklin’s BBQ sauce so now you’re stuck trying to remember which exit was by that Walgreens where you turn into the neighborhood.
9) Avoid any hip brunch place until after 3pm
As mentioned – there are some wonderful brunch hangouts in Austin but everyone seems to show up at the same time. Spare yourself the hangover and wait by sleeping in (those $2 mimosas aren’t going anywhere).
10) If you are in line at Franklin’s or Kerbey Lane, don’t light up a joint
Austin might seem like hip, free-minded place where you can just blaze up anywhere but it’s not. Though marijuana has been decriminalized in Travis County it is still illegal and likely to land you in jail if you are caught (same goes for whipping out your vape pen at a concert).
11) Don’t tell people you are from California and ask for hook-ups
No one likes to be hit up for free shit and the anything you could say to sound like more of an asshat would be to include that you’re from LA.
12) Watch where you Pee!
First off, it’s gross. Second, you will get a ticket or go to jail – as you should.
13) Go on r/Austin
It is full of angry shit whistles who create nothing other than bland snark. They spend all day commenting on meaningless threads and tearing down garbage click-bait such as this.
“What’s a good Mexican food place on Manor?”
YOUR MOM %8#$ ASS.
-leave your gun at home
-no- she doesn’t want to fuck you
-always prepare for bad traffic
-anyplace with water will be packed
CJ Morgan is not a writer, he’s a grumpy asshat who rants about things and then posts them without proofreading. However, he’d love your angry feedback