Halloween has come to an end, surely your sugar crash will be over soon; it’s time to discuss some of your recent regrettable decisions. Specifically, your poor choice to sport that lame, tired, cliche Halloween costume.
Think you and your friends are original? Take a scroll through your favorite social media account and tell me how many fucking Bob Ross’ you see. Sure, it was easy and quick to assemble. You just had to snag a wig and stop by Hobby Lobby for a pallet and some paint brushes. I get it; you are busy and getting a costume isn’t your first priority.
That doesn’t excuse your poor taste. Feel that? That’s shame. You know what you did. Now, let’s see how you can be better next year.
Here are 12 Halloween Costumes that should be forever retired:
Yes, you took a lot of time painting your face and a few people laughed when you asked if they had drank Baileys from a shoe. So the costume was worth it, right? Wrong! The Mighty Boosh hasn’t been on television in over a decade, Old Gregg is the one bit that fratdaddy at your office continually parrots, and the six minute skit really isn’t that funny.
Reason for Retiring: No Longer Relevant + You Made a Green Mess in my Bathroom, Cassie.
Mia Wallace, Pulp Fiction
Every year hundreds of basic Bs throw on a wig, white shirt, and glue a fake needle to their chests. Hundreds. Every year.
Reason for Retiring: Cliche + You Haven’t Even Seen the Movie, Rebecca.
As stated above, this costume is too easy, very basic, and less creative than a painting with wine night “party.”
Reason for Retiring: Basic + You Put Real Paint on Your Pallet and I had to Take My Dog to the Vet, Steve. God Damn.
Edina and Patsy form Ab/Fab
Oh, you think you are being “a bloody genius” with this one (and it is a step up from Mia Wallace). However, you are still not being that unique. There is at least one of these duos at every Halloween party.
Reason for Retiring: I Didn’t Watch the Show So I Don’t Get It and that makes me Angry + We Get That You’re Best Friends, Stacy & Megan. We Get It.
Anyone from the Office
The costumes aren’t creative, the show isn’t funny and you’re not as creative or funny.
Reason for Retiring: Lacks Creativity + Jim Sucks and So Does Facebook, Go Wash Your Face, Ben.
The Mother of Dragons was a pretty cool look when Khal Drogo was still alive, but now every costume contest has a cheap blonde wig dressed in a sheet with a stuffed dragon.
Reason for Retiring: Looks Cheap + I Need My Bed Sheet Back, Jenn.
That Stupid Inflatable T-Rex
I really just hate these.
Reason for Retiring: Because I Hate Them + You “Couldn’t Clean” Because You “Couldn’t Reach?” Shut Up, Mark.
It’s just a dumb mask. Is that really all the effort you can muster? Why even bother trying at anything in life?
Reason for Retiring: It is Just a Dumb Mask + You Don’t Have the Balls to Handle a Purge, John.
Classic costumes shouldn’t really be trashed here but the renaissance caused by Heath Ledger’s Joker is worthy of noting. According to science, there are, on average, 2.5 Dark Knight Jokers per every one Halloween party and 3 Suicide Squad Joker + Harley Quinn couples. That is two too many if you ask me.
Reason for Retiring: Science + You’ve Never Danced With The Devil In the Pale Moon Light, Matt.
The Snapchat Filter
Oh, you’re a cute deer? Put on a flower crown? Why is this a thing? How did this become a thing? Who dresses up like this?
Reason for Retiring: Basic A/F + All You Were Doing Was Taking Selfies WITH A FILTER, Christina.
You know what? No costumes are good. They are all lame and I hate Halloween (except Vampires – vampires are cool). Now who wants to help me clean my house?
About the Author
CJ Morgan is not a writer. He is a click-bait hack and angry radio DJ who is bitter over the fact no one ever clicks on his stuff and that he will never be famous enough.