We all know the most important thing about radio is the internet. Unfortunately, no one seems to care about the meaningless click-bait posted on our third rate website, so last week I met with digital consultants.
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They said the best way to keep listeners engaged and coming back to klbjfm.com was to give them access to all the behind-the-scenes action. I took that to heart and decided to share this thought provoking piece.
These are all the places we are allowed to get drinking water in the office (it’s unfortunate there are only a few options when it comes to taking in the precious life nectar). Here they are, rated from worst to first.
WORST
The Downstairs Break room Water Dispenser
It’s covered in mold, the water is always lukewarm and people stack dishes on and around it. For some reason, tastes like salmon.
The Death Cave
This spot is where water seeps underneath our building and floods the basement. Though I’ve never actually tasted the it until today, I am sure the run-off from the highway causes cancer.
Whitney’s Sweat Decanter
Our Promotions Director always bottles and saves her pit sweat. It’s not actually bad, however, the amount of liquor she takes in will cause you to get drunk if you sample it.
BETTER
The Downstairs Refrigerator
Sure you have you have to hand filter out the curdled yogurt particles from when Kelly in sales spilled his breakfast – but you know it’s clean. Added bonus: you are drinking probiotics. Go good gut bacteria!!!
The Fish Tank
Yes, it’s saltwater and eventually it will cause you to go insane from dehydration poisoning BUT it’s better than any of the options above when you are thirsty.
CJ Morgan’s Mustache
Drinking bottled hair filtered water saved Tom Selleck’s career (see: Blue Bloods). Plus, you never know where CJ’s lips have been so you might also be experiencing Kelly from sales sweet kiss.
The Air Conditioning Condensation Exhaust Pipe
Triple filtered and made directly from hydrogen infused with oxygen. Both copper spouts leak grade-a H2O but only if it’s hot enough outside.
BEST
The Mini Bar Sink
For some reason our building has a hidden mini bar with NO liquor. WTF? Anyhow, I drank the water and it tastes like executive management.
Dudley & Bob + Matt’s Secret Bottled Water Stash
Austin’s #3ish (tied with 12 others) morning show has an unquenchable thirst. Thankfully, listeners bring in gifts of water in exchange for illegal plugs. Downside: listeners are creepy and half the cases are poisoned with molly. Also, bottled water is killing the environment, you asshole.
Upstairs Break Room Water Dispenser
It’s always cold and tastes like success! This is by far some of the best water in all the tri-county area. Downside: you might run into co-workers and forced to make annoying small talk.
Lady Bird Johnson’s Commode
The former First Lady once piddled in this very seat while thinking about all the young men who were sent to their deaths in Indochina.
The top-notch toilet is located in our General Manager’s office and has not been flushed since Emmis bought the station from the LBJs back in 2003.
