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12 Best Massage Parlors in Austin

Photos: Google Maps

Every click-bait website in Austin has told you where to get the Best BBQ, 12 Secret Swimming Holes and the Top Ten Dive Bars. Same crap. Different blog. Who cares? Is any of that information we need or want? No.

That’s why I love writing for KLBJ-FM. I actually get to be a e-journalist and do real research. My articles are written with YOU in mind. I want to gather information and create pieces my audience can actually use (not just get clicks).

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Today it occurred to me that 90% of the problems in our city could be cured if we were all more relaxed. If all that built up anger and stress due to traffic and the heat could be released.

But where? How? I went undercover to find the best Massage Parlors in the Tri-County area and these are the few that stood up above the rest:

Mardi Gras Modeling & Lingerie

10600 Middle Fiskville Rd

From all the Mercedes and BMWs out front, this must be the place to go! Emulate success and stop by – just don’t be cheap. The more you tip, the hotter the action gets!

 

Bella's Therapy

11657 Research Blvd

The location is perfect! Get some ink at Steadfast, then pop over to Planet K for incense before getting an “Eastern massage.”

 

Pleasures

4912 N Interstate Hwy 35

Ask for Justin (trust us on this). 

 

Lucky Spa

I mean... it's called Lucky's! Plus they have a table shower. 

Secrets Lingerie Modeling

Middle Fiskville Rd

If you can find it, it's well worth your while!

 

Cap’n Bennys

IH-35 and 183

From the highway, Benny’s appears to be another Parrot Head wannabe seafood shack. Once inside, however, you quickly ask yourself why all the cooks are female and so hot. Benny’s is a grade-A jack shack.

 

Any Strip Mall that has a Massage Neon Sign Over a Blacked out Window

No one will ever know you went to get a pat down because no one knows what these places are. Massage in giant red letters? That’s so vague and inconspicuous. Privacy comes first when you are parking in front of hundreds of business in a lot next to the highway!

 

Red Barn

Pond Springs Rd

Come for the nematodes, stay for the deep tissue rub. Go around back, by the pile of decomposed granite and ask for a pound of Jack.

 

Your Mom’s

Gotta give it to the old lady, she is strong. Even at 70, with all her arthritis and gout problems, she’s got the Kung Fu grip! Decades of doling out favors while you where at school, she finally went into business for herself.  High five to your mom!

 

Mystic Dan’s

This has to be the most Austin of all the massage parlors! Heal your body with a bath in recycled water taken from the free side of Barton Springs Pool. Then let Dan exfoliate your itchy skin with grackle nectar (it does get really itchy). 

 

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