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The Super Ultimate Austin Greenbelt Guide

There have been a lot of “Ultimate Guides to Outdoor blah blah blah” on Facebook lately. February in Texas is the perfect time to go out and enjoy the weather so it seems pertinent to share a few of my outdoor experiences and create the Super Ultimate Greenbelt Guide.

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Here are the best trails to suit whatever lifestyle gets you going.

Note: this article is unedited, has not been proofread and was written by a giant man-child who probably had one bad time at the greenbelt. 

Tourist’s Bend

The name of this place is purposely deceiving. The bend is in the far reaches of the greenbelt and is only for the experienced partiers. Continually walk the trails and look for a good place to post up while Westlake students hit you up for weed.

Amenities include hundreds of sweat soaked shirtless dudes bumping into you while trying to catch a Frisbee, different genres of loud shitty music every hundred yards, and the occasionally police officer who is going to give you a ticket when you finally sit down and open a beer

Bonus: if you stick around until sunset you’ll get to see Starflight attempt to rescue a drunken hiker.

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

  • Really bad weed and a one hitter
  • Bubbles
  • That moldy picnic blanket from your trunk
  • Beer in glass bottles
  • Terrible speakers and Widespread Panic CD
  • A buddy who is waaaay too fucked up and keeps wandering off to talk to strangers


Have the shrooms kicked in yet?

Foxtrot Uniform

The Foxtrot Uniform (FU for short) trail offers something for everyone from Fitness enthusiast, novice outdoorsman to Central Texas transplants. If you still have energy after finding a place to park and hiking to the trailhead; you’ll find a path perfect for selfies. There are battery chargers for aspiring photographers and even changing rooms for their “models”. The jogging trail comes equipped with WiFi so you can “map your run” and let everyone know how fit you are.

FU isn’t just for glam greenbelters, you can also get a taste of the dangerous life! Backpackers can walk into the trees and pretend they might actually get lost. If you are in to rock climbing, there are some really small cliffs to make you feel good about yourself (if the one at Planet Fitness is too difficult). For the really adventurous, feel free to plunge your kayak into the muddy, piss filled rapids of the Barton Creek tributaries.

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

  • Selfie stick
  • Yoga mat
  • Really big backpack from REI
  • Headband
  • $68 Water bottle
  • Physical fitness app that updates your social media

I'm going to climb this mountain and then get someone to take a picture of me doing yoga!

Lance Armstrong Bike Loop

Not every cyclist spends their day backing up traffic on Lamar or making high-speed cars swerve to miss them on 2244. Several bike enthusiasts love to put their hybrid tires on and rough it on the Lance Armstrong loop!

There are air stations so you can stop to smirk at the plebes on foot and plenty of narrow paths filled with families for you to runover.

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

  • Mountain bike
  • Cleats
  • Yellow jersey
  • The lamest helmet you can find
  • Hatred of anyone who doesn’t ride a bike

I save the Earth by riding to wor… OUT OF MY WAY YOU FUCKING HIKERS!

Unleashed Dog Area

It should be a given that dogs are all over the greenbelt. However, this small circle is for the truly unruly little beasts! Anything goes for the 300-pound lab mix puppy that lives in a small apartment and only gets to go outside when mommy returns from Sunday Funday at Bangers.

Sit back; enjoy the face full of muddy paws to the faint yells of “Dakota” while your actual dog is being terrorized by a pack of pits that “usually don’t bite.” Just keep in mind, only the emergency vet clinics are open to do minor stich work on a Sunday!

SUPPLIES NEEDED:

  • A dreadful dog you “rescued” but do a shit job taking care of

Sorry about that! She’s just a puppy.

 

Now stop reading this garbage article and get outside, a really annoying adventure waits!

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