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69 Safety Tips for Freaky Sex Beginners

Is your partner ready to get weird? Congrats!

For many of us, role-play and lingerie is no longer enough to reach peak satisfaction. Perhaps your lover wants to spice things up before Valentine's by heading to see the new Fifty Shades of Grey.

I know what your thinking:

"Yes! I just have to watch this stupid movie then we can do some freaky shit."

Well, be warned my friend! Their are reports of naughty couples having to call emergency services to get them out of something or something out of them. Being a helpful and experienced radioman, I decided to jot down a few useful tips for BDSM first timers.

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1) Make a Spare Key

Handcuffs are fun but can lead to very awkward situations for you and the local locksmith. On that note, professional cuffs are unnecessary. Just get the toy ones or a Chinese finger trap!

2) Communicate

Use safe words and sign language in conjunction! It's hard to speak with a ball gag in your mouth.

3) Keep the Creams Handy

Not just lubricants but things like saddle soap for rope burn. You don't want to stroll into work on Monday looking like the victim of a bear attack.

4) Be Wary of your Partner

If this is a new relationship and you need to choke each other in order to get off, RUN (straight to the nearest therapist). If you've been together a while and this is the first time you've been led into their sex dungeon, RUN (to a lawyer).

5) Under No Circumstances Does "that" go in your Rectum

The number one cause of alleged Fifty Shades injuries thus far has been butt play gone awry. Always, always work your way up to the rear over a period of months.

6) Candles are Dangerous

Candles and lubricants do not mix. Leave them on the shelf and keep a fire extinguisher nearby (not for the butt). Furthermore, hot wax not only causes blisters it can ruin the carpet and upholstery.

7) Bring on the Rubbing Alcohol

Properly sterilize all your equipment prior to use and keep wounds from getting infected with a bit of rubbing alcohol. As a bonus, pour it on your genitals and light them a blaze! It will sting, stink and burn in the most pleasureful way.

8) Videotape your Session

There are many reasons to keep the camera rolling on your first S&M session. First off, you can watch it later and laugh at how nervous you were. Then you can study the film frame-by-frame and improve upon technique. When one of you leaves the other, you'll always have this to show your friends and jerk off to. Last and most importantly, video evidence holds up best in court "as you can see, he asked my client to

9) Stretch and Hydrate

Do some yoga and drink plenty of water beforehand! The last thing you want to happen while executing an upside-down Iranian face wash is to pull a hammy because you are dehydrated.
Now that you've read these tips, go out and have fun and send me the video!

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