Listicles: Road Trip Tips
It’s that time of the year when we pack up our cars with swimsuits and our favorite people and road trip to a far off destination…like Port Aransas, Amarillo or Breckenridge.
I am no stranger to taking road trips together. In fact, I like to think that I am somewhat of a master of road-tripping. As a child, my family seemed to have an aversion to traveling anywhere unless it by way of car. Numerous 13-hour road trips to exotic places such as Los Alamos, New Mexico have given me the skills it takes to make any road trip a memorable experience.
I’ve decided to share with you some of my own road-trip guidelines that you can use to make your summer road-trip go as smoothly and fun as possible:
1. Start your day with a sausage biscuit
I follow a strict personal philosophy that all road-trips must begin with a greasy biscuit from a fast-food restaurant. You will most likely be eating poorly for the majority of your trip, so you must prep your stomach accordingly. Get it used to eating greasy foods. This will also give you a valid excuse to stop 30 minutes later to stretch your legs and use the restroom.
2. Pack the essentials
There are a few items that are essential for any road trip over 60 miles. These items can be found at any convenient store: Corn Nuts, Funyons, Spicy hot cheeto Fries, ranch flavored sunflower seeds, and gas station-aviator sunglasses (a good road trip deserves a fresh pair). Don’t be afraid of consuming stinky or messy foods in the car. Be a risk taker. And trust me, car trips go a lot a quicker when you have something in your mouth.
3. Prepare a playlist
Music is an important part of any road-trip. You can choose any songs
that you enjoy, but they must be songs that at least 50% of the population of your car know the lyrics to. I suggest including Meatloaf’s "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," as it is 13 minutes of sing-along greatness.
4. Sing your entire playlist in the voice of Bob Dylan
Once you get bored of singing along to your music in the regular way, try to sing every song in the style of Bob Dylan. This never gets old and will absolutely not annoy your fellow travelers.
6. Keep your eyeballs open. Always be on the lookout for fun places to stop
You might try to plan out your stops ahead of time, but your road-trip partners will probably argue that there is not enough time. Instead, fake a stomach ache and wine your little head off until you convince your driver that you MUST stop at Papa Jims Snake Farm, or you will surely poop in the car.
7. Stop at Every "World's Best Beef Jerky" sign
This is of the utmost importance. I don’t even think this one needs an explanation.
8. Sing everything that you pass
When things in the car get stale, I like to play a game called "Sing Everything That You Pass." It sounds complex, but it’s pretty simple. You just sing everything that you pass. It usually goes a little like: "billboard, street sign, gas station, bird flying, yellow line, guy picking his nose in a red Toyota, another billboard, highwayyyy 3555555555." If you’re feeling especially ambitious, you can try this game to the tune of "We Didn’t Start the Fire."
Well there you have it. I hope I have helped to make your next adventure a success. Worst case scenario, these tips can serve as a test to find out if your road trip partner and you are compatable.