Time Honored Tradition of Littering in Austin
Photo: (KLBJ) 93.7 KLBJ / B-DOE
It's that time of year again when Austinites litter the sides of highways with dumpy decorations to celebrate baby Jesus, or Kwanzaa, or Chanukah, or Festivus for the Restivus.
I can remember a time <insert visual of me shaking my fist standing on my front porch whilst wearing only a tattered robe> when only a few trees were decorated on 360. It looked festive and people always cleaned up their mess in a timely fashion. Now, much like hipsters, the trend seems to have spread everywhere with no end in sight. See a tree with pines on it? Better decorate it!
Now you animals have taken the "decorating" craze to a new level. I've seen trees decorated by ADVERTISEMENTS! Nothing says 'Tis The Season like destroying the environment while marketing your wares.
Telling yourself you'll take down this dribble in January, then never getting around to doing it, makes you a giant ahole. The "decorations" might look nice on all the helpless conifers, but one good rain, or GAWD help us all if a wet freeze rolls through town, and the whole lot looks like trees from a drug fueled Krampus all-nighter.
The worst is when people driving on the already congested and atrocious highways in Austin enjoy this weak attempt at art and SLOW DOWN TO ENJOY IT! Nothing says "we're an advanced civilization" like purposefully increasing congestion on major thoroughfares to appreciate litter.
We might as well start a new tradition of burning dung in trash cans in front of these trees so we can meet our fellow Austinities and shoot the breeze. We can all talk about how great Austin used to be while gorging on Gluten Free Fruitcake and drinking nonalcoholic Eggnog wearing fingerless gloves and an imported Yak hair knitted beanie.
If you do assault these defenseless and unwitting trees, please get your lazy ass back out there in January and pick up after yourself. Side note - I bet you always wonder why there's smoke in your house when you use your fireplace. You can always send your wacky pictures of Holiday splendor and idiocracy to BDOE@klbjfm.com.
*** It's come to my attention that people are actually 'stealing' the trash, I mean 'decorations', from these poor trees on the sides of the road in Austin. Here's some advice... don't leave your money dangling from helpless conifers on the sides of highways and then no one will think about stealing it. I'd be ok with this 'tradition' going away all together. I can see the city getting involved sooner than later and maybe trying to wet their beak with permits or some wacky policing of the decorating. If you want to honor a loved one, or have a fun tradition, then post a tree on your property or place of business and decorate it there. That way, if someone comes to steal anything from it, you can shoot them. After all, this is TEXAS. (Seriously though... if you jacked the Jumbo Domino set from a tree on 360 and Spicewood Springs Rd., please return it to C.Hunts bar. Thank you.)
Worried that you're packing on too many holiday pounds? Let this "dance" troupe from Russia give you some "twerk out" tips to trim that waistline.